One of my early mentors as a life coach was Martha Beck, PhD. I completed her Wayfinder Life Coach Training Program in 2007. Martha is a Harvard grad, prolific author and well-know life coach who wrote the life coach column for Oprah magazine. Her teachings had a great impact on me and I use them to this day with my clients.
Martha taught that there are two things in life that take us off our authentic path: trauma and socialization. When young, it is natural to be in full expression of your essential or authentic self if you are lucky enough to be raised in a healthy household with parents who support and foster that expression. However, at some point the authentic self is largely abandoned for the social self in order to survive the culture, fit in and go along with the program.
This self-abandonment can have dire consequences that lead to a half-lived life and dreams long forgotten. The results of this are often what bring clients into my office wondering why they are not happy when they did everything that was expected of them. It’s the classic mid-life crisis, yet it can happen at any age.
How do we find balance and peace between these two parts of ourself when we have to live in a world that expects us to conform in order to survive? And, if we have given too much credence to the wishes of others, can we right the ship and still fulfill our dreams and desires? I believe you can re-align with your essential self at any time and create a more fulfilling life.
Let’s take a quick look at the divide and how this typically plays out:
The Social Self: The Mask We Wear
Your social self is shaped by societal expectations, cultural norms, and external influences. It’s the version of you that conforms to what’s expected, helping you navigate social landscapes, gain approval, and avoid conflict.
For example, your social self might:
- Choose a career path to impress others rather than fulfill yourself.
- Agree to commitments out of obligation.
- Suppress opinions to maintain harmony.
While the social self helps us connect with others, it can lead us away from our true selves if it becomes overly dominant.
The Essential Self: Your Core Identity
The essential self represents your authentic nature—your values, passions, and intrinsic motivations. It’s less concerned with external validation and more focused on inner fulfillment.
Characteristics of the essential self include:
- Pursuing activities and goals that genuinely excite you.
- Expressing your true thoughts and feelings.
- Making choices aligned with your values.
The essential self is your internal compass, guiding you toward authenticity and purpose. But its voice is often drowned out by the social self.
Signs of Dominance
When Your Social Self Leads:
- You feel disconnected from your passions.
- Decisions are driven by external validation.
- There’s a constant sense of “performing.”
- You frequently experience burnout.
When Your Essential Self Leads:
- You feel aligned with your values.
- Decisions reflect your true desires.
- There’s a sense of flow and authenticity.
- You experience deep satisfaction, even in challenges.
Balancing the Two
The goal isn’t to eliminate the social self but to ensure the essential self leads while the social self supports. Here’s how:
- Pause and Reflect: Examine your choices and motivations. Are they driven by external pressures or internal desires?
- Reconnect with Your Core: Explore your values, passions, and strengths through journaling or meditation.
- Set Boundaries: Say no to obligations that don’t align with your essential self.
- Take Small Steps: Pursue hobbies, speak your truth, or make decisions that honor your inner values.
- Embrace Imperfection: It’s okay to adapt when necessary, as long as you stay true to your core.
Final Thoughts
The dance between your social and essential selves is a lifelong journey. The key is ensuring your essential self leads, making life richer, more meaningful, and uniquely yours.
So, who’s leading your life right now? If it’s not your essential self, what steps can you take today to put it back in charge?
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