Part of my purpose as a transformational coach is to help my clients achieve success in their life. Since success is often about the fulfillment of one’s goals, I generally start by asking my clients what they would like to accomplish in our work together and how I may help them the most.
I get all kinds of answers to these questions, some very specific such as, “I want to get this book or PhD dissertation written”, and others quite broad such as, “I don’t know exactly, but I want to feel happier or not be so anxious anymore.”
If the accomplishment of one’s goals is part of the path to success, it strikes me that it is important that we chose our goals consciously with great awareness and care. I’ve seen clients slave away to complete certain goals that don’t bring them lasting happiness and joy.
While these kinds of goals may provide temporary satisfaction, from what I have seen, it is not the path to true success. Instead, the fulfillment of these kinds of goals often leaves one feeling empty and searching for more. This is in sharp contrast to the clients who are unable to formulate and commit to any specific goals at all.
In both of these cases, the problem is often the same. Namely, many of us are disconnected from our deepest heartfelt desires and the types of goals that bring authentic happiness and lasting success.
In helping clients sort out their goals, I often begin by discerning the difference between the desires of their essential self vs. their social self. The essential self is the part of us connected to our soul that knows our true purpose for being here and what our unique gifts, talents and contributions are. The social self, on the other hand, is more ego-driven and is motivated by gaining social approval from others and fitting into mainstream norms, values, and expectations.
Which one sounds more fulfilling? It’s kind of obvious; yet connecting with the desires of our essential self takes courage and is something our culture often doesn’t view as having much meaning, value or relevance. Because of this, the desires of our essential self are often deeply hidden and can be difficult to validate, excavate and reveal.
However, I have found that there are points in most people’s lives in which the promptings of the social self finally come into question and lose power to the deeper urges of the soul.
This may look like a midlife crisis or some other type of “breakdown” which I tend to view as the beginnings of a breakthrough. This is often the initiation of the classic Hero’s or Heroine’s Journey of being called to a greater purpose in life which, if followed, can lead to authentic success and lasting fulfillment.
By listening to this voice, we have a greater chance of uncovering the unique path that will lead to our own version of success. However, there do seem to be some common elements that contribute to the achievement of authentic success.
I recently listened to a lecture by Debra Poneman, the creator of the seminar “Yes to Success”, and she stated that she interviewed approximately 100 people on their view of success. She found 3 recurring themes that brought these people a deep sense of happiness and fulfillment in their lives.
- Doing some kind of service in which they felt they were making a valuable contribution to others
- The freedom to choose to do what they enjoy
- A sense of connection to a higher power, higher purpose, and a group of like-minded people
She mentioned that measuring success by one’s material accumulations and outer accomplishments did not seem to bring anyone a sense of true, lasting success.
If our essential self knows the path to our true happiness, why is it so hard to hear it? For the most part, in our culture we have not been trained to listen to this voice, but it is there waiting patiently for us to pay attention. Slow down, get quiet and go within. What do you notice?
There are ways you can cultivate this connection and learn to follow the path to a more fulfilled, authentic life. Start with sitting still for 5 minutes and see what happens. If you want more information on how to connect with your deeper essential self, sign up for my free guide, “From Burnt Out to Blissful: Seven Steps to Creating a Magnetic Life for Creative People.”
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