Welcome to the world of a dysfunctional family…There always has to be a scapegoat.
The scapegoat is the person who takes the blame for the family problems. This is the person who is generally trying to speak the truth about what they see and feel is wrong within the family system. Unfortunately, instead of the other family members being willing to look at the problems, they often turn against the truth speaker and target them as the primary problem instead.
Needless to say, being cast in the role of the family scapegoat is severely damaging and traumatizing. Not only is your perception of reality denied and dismissed, but the scapegoat may be banished, ostracized and emotionally abused via gaslighting, blame shifting, triangulating and other passive aggressive behaviors. This treatment can lead to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (CPTSD), which includes life-long mental and physical health problems.
Family scapegoats are very common in families with parents with addictions such as alcoholism or with mental health disorders such as narcissism or borderline personally disorder. In these family systems, denial is the order of the day and serves to keep the parent from having to confront their own dysfunctional behavior.
The parent may be abusive or neglectful, yet if confronted the blame can be shifted to the scapegoat as being overly needy, demanding, too sensitive or critical. As a child, the scapegoat has no idea what appropriate parenting looks like so when blamed for expressing their basic needs, they internalize the criticism and conclude there must be something wrong with them.
This creates a world of pain for the scapegoat who often has nowhere to turn. If they have siblings, those siblings may be triangulated against them leaving them even more isolated and alone.
The scapegoat is generally the most sensitive member of the family. They are the one who is wired to feel their feelings, to have empathy and to want to deeply connect, talk and work things out.
Can you relate to any of this?
The scapegoat is the person who ends up in therapy. As they begin to understand the family problems they have hope that they can heal and their family will want to do the same. Except most of the time the family has no interest in healing. Instead, this person may become more of an outcast and outlier as they reclaim their truth and their health.
This is when reality sets in. One commonly has to choose to heal without the loving support of their family. It is a brave and harrowing choice.
The good news is, you are not alone. There are lots of recovering scapegoats out there who are committed to their healing and they are looking for friends. In order to heal sometimes we have to find our own non-biological family. Family comes in all forms and it is not always biological. Love and support is available in many places.
Once you begin to heal your heart and reclaim your truth and authenticity you can chose to create relationships based in mutual respect, love, honesty and trust. Healing is a journey, not a destination. Their are many travelers on the path looking for companions. Commit to yourself and you will find your people.
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