Denver Life Coach Archives - Page 4 of 13

Who’s Leading Your Life: Your Social Self or Essential Self?

One of my early mentors as a life coach was Martha Beck, PhD. I completed her Wayfinder Life Coach Training Program in 2007. Martha is a Harvard grad, prolific author and well-know life coach who wrote the life coach column for Oprah magazine. Her teachings had a great impact on me and I use them to this day with my clients.

Martha taught that there are two things in life that take us off our authentic path: trauma and socialization. When young, it is natural to be in full expression of your essential or authentic self if you are lucky enough to be raised in a healthy household with parents who support and foster that expression. However, at some point the authentic self is largely abandoned for the social self in order to survive the culture, fit in and go along with the program.

This self-abandonment can have dire consequences that lead to a half-lived life and dreams long forgotten. The results of this are often what bring clients into my office wondering why they are not happy when they did everything that was expected of them. It’s the classic mid-life crisis, yet it can happen at any age.

How do we find balance and peace between these two parts of ourself when we have to live in a world that expects us to conform in order to survive? And, if we have given too much credence to the wishes of others, can we right the ship and still fulfill our dreams and desires? I believe you can re-align with your essential self at any time and create a more fulfilling life.

Let’s take a quick look at the divide and how this typically plays out:

Whose Life Are You Living?

by Nancy Harris Leave a Comment

In the book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, by Bronnie Ware, she discusses what most haunts those actively dying about how they ultimately spent their time on earth. What do you think is the number one regret? It is something I can vouch for as someone who has talked with hundreds of people over the past twenty years about their lives.

Bronnie found that the number one regret of those dying, is not living life according to one’s own terms. Essentially that means making choices in life to please others rather than listening to one’s own heart.

Bronnie states it as: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

I see this pattern in almost every client in one form or another. We’ve all been there, right? Can you relate?

This can be the client who married a partner who needed caretaking because that was her role in her family as a child. Then at age 50, she realizes she never pursued her own career or dreams.

Turn Towards the Light

by Nancy Harris Leave a Comment

When I feel like writing something and don’t have a topic, I search for photos that inspire me. This one seemed to have such an obvious message…

Nature is such a great teacher. In these times of extreme change and darkness, we can always do as nature does and turn towards the light.

Darkness is so easy to find these days. All you have to do is look at any headline and you are hit with talk of fear, toxic behavior and impending doom and gloom.

It’s easy to become numb to it and start to lose hope for our future, our planet and life itself. It can start to feel like a constant slog through obstacle after obstacle.

However, I have found that it all depends on where we put our focus. I am reminded of the story of the race car driver who said he never looks at the wall when racing around the track at high speeds. His advice was to only look at where you want to go, not where you don’t want to go—otherwise you increase your likelihood of hitting the wall! Makes sense.

When I work with clients who want to make a big transition, it is natural that their “ego mind” is full of stories about all the things that can go wrong. The ego loves a good drama. It can be comical sometimes. On occasion, I will point out to clients, “Wow, there’s a lot of drama going on there” and we have a good laugh. Seeing the absurdity of the fear-based story can break the trance or spell that this kind of thinking creates.

I’ve been there myself. My common story was that If I made some big change everything would go wrong and I would inevitably end up living as a bag-lady on the street somewhere. Ever run that story? I actually think I have conquered that particular fear, but I remember it well!

How to Maintain an Open Heart During Troubling Times

by Nancy Harris Leave a Comment

Pretty much everyone I speak to is having to confront their deepest fears these days. We are being hit from all sides. The underlying theme in most of these situations is that of loss and grief. There is loss in relationships, jobs, health, finances, familiar social structures and perhaps, worst of all, basic trust and faith in that which we thought was true.

We are being stripped down to face ourselves and our lives in ways that can make us question everything and everyone. We are seeing erratic, irrational, cruel, manipulative and dishonest behavior on the part of authority figures and those who we thought were meant to protect us and keep us safe. Relationships of all kinds–personal and professional– are falling apart and leaving an unexpected void to be filled.

What are we to make of this and how do we move through it without completely, and perhaps permanently, closing our hearts due to the immense sadness and grief?

This is a time of reckoning. A time for deep self-reflection and decision making. We need to ask ourself how we want to proceed.

It can be so easy to shut down to one’s feelings and simply avoid, deny and go numb. There are countless ways to numb out found in our endless electronic devices, mind altering substances–including food and sugar, or any other addiction of choice. If you are going there in your life, it is understandable, but it is not a sustainable choice.

Have You Lost Your Bearings?

by Nancy Harris Leave a Comment

I’m starting to see the fatigue set in. It’s been a year in lockdown now. When I look into my clients’ eyes I see the confusion, the pain, the lost dreams and the deep, deep fatigue. The human spirit is being challenged like never before in our lifetimes.

Lives and future plans have been put on hold. Loneliness has become second nature for many. Fear is rampant. There are basic health concerns, financial fears, fear for aging parents and concern about the psychological damage to children.

Uncomfortable feelings are being tamped down with mindless activities that are becoming habitual and addictive. People are losing their social skills and becoming more comfortable with a computer screen than another human being.

Trust is eroding in our governmental structures. People are angry, polarized, arguing and attacking. No one really knows what is true or who to believe.

If you really think about it, nothing really makes much sense anymore. Please think about it. Use critical thinking and form your own opinions.

How could you not feel like you have lost your bearings? This was not the life any of us were expecting.

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