Many, if not all of us, struggle with codependent patterns of behavior without knowing it. I often joke with my clients that the only people I know with no codependency are the ones who have worked on their codependency.
I generally recommend the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, to my clients in the beginning of therapy to get the basic concepts of this problem under their belt right up front. I find this saves so much time in trying to understand and unravel problematic and toxic behavior patterns that often started in childhood.
What is codependency? It shows itself in a multitude of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. In a nutshell, it is an abdication of personal power in the quest to be loved, accepted and approved of by others. While these behaviors may have helped us survive as a child, they hinder our full development as an adult.
As a child, it was a survival mechanism to get one’s needs met often in a home where parents were preoccupied with their own problems and unable to be fully present to the child’s needs. Now you can see why most of us developed these traits. It is difficult, if not impossible, for parents to be fully present and attentive. Yet, some parents take this to an extreme with selfish, self-absorbed, addictive and/or abusive behavior that damages a child for years to come.
Common codependent behaviors are lack of personal boundaries, saying yes when you mean no, constant approval seeking, putting others needs before your own, not being able to feel safe unless those around you are doing ok, not knowing your owns wants, needs and preferences, taking responsibility for things you are not responsible for, etc.
These behaviors are all forms of self-abandonment and self-betrayal that lead to inauthentic choices and often toxic behaviors. When we continually base our sense of safety and security on the approval of others we forget that we are ultimately responsible for our own well-being. Our sense of safety is an inside job that no one can do for us.
It is a paradigm shift to accept 100% personal responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. This ultimately leads us out of victim consciousness and into a more authentic form of self-expression. While this may seem daunting, it is the ultimate path to freedom and personal growth.
Do you recognize yourself in any of this? If so, it may explain deadened feelings, a lack of happiness and joy, a sense of stuckness in your life and an overall knowing that you are not living to your full potential.
Reach out and get some support, join a 12-step group for codependency, get some therapy or coaching and begin to reconnect to the person you are meant to be. You will be glad you did.
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