Over the years of working with clients as a psychotherapist and life coach, I have witnessed many people go through periods of time in which they felt everything was falling apart. Life is full of unexpected losses, changes, and transitions such as an illness, a job loss, a divorce, a cross-country move, a major financial setback, etc. However, there are those times in life in which multiple uncontrollable events may be happening all at once that push you to the edge of your ability to cope and keep you from wanting to get out of bed in the morning.
I’ve spoken to many people going through this and you can see the fear in their eyes, the stress in their bodies and the doubt in their minds that their life will ever get back on track and feel not only manageable, but fun and happy again. If you are experiencing any of this yourself right now, hold on, I can tell you it does get better. But, how you navigate this treacherous terrain will make a difference in how you come out the other side.
I know some of this from personal experience. A few years back I went through a period of time in which most everything that I was familiar with was stripped away in a dramatic and painful way that I had little control over.
If you relate to this, here are some general suggestions for how to get through it.
1. First, do nothing.
What I mean by this is make no rash decisions. When the heat gets turned up so high that it feels like everything is falling apart, perhaps there is a greater force at work here. It may feel impossible to take the larger vision of the situation when you are in the mist of chaos and pain, but many things do happen for a reason. The job loss may lead you to finally make that career move you’ve been thinking about, the divorce may cause you to look at the ways you were hiding in your marriage and the illness may get you to eat better and take charge of your health. It takes time and patience to process sudden and dramatic changes. Give yourself some space. It’s probably not the time to spontaneously move across country, quit your PhD program or get two puppies. (Maybe one puppy, but they are a lot of work…I tried. Cats are easier).
- Go Within
Spend some time slowing down and getting quiet. It’s hard to navigate difficult times when you keep filling your head with noise. We all have an inner guidance system. It wants to get our attention and give us messages. From what I’ve seen these are always loving, benevolent messages that often point us in the right direction as to what steps to take next. This is a good time to start to listen more to this voice and cultivate a relationship with it. It is often not a good time to ask all your friends and family for their advice or constantly look outside yourself for the answers, as tempting as that may be. It may be a time to meditate more, journal, walk in nature and read inspiring books.
- Talk it Out
This may sound somewhat contradictory to the recommendation to go within, but it can be very helpful to talk as well. The distinction is who you are talking with. This may be a time to find an objective party; someone who is not emotionally involved. If you are going through some traumatic pain, chances are your family and friends are feeling bad about it, too. It may not be easy for them to be your sounding board. Any thoughts and advice they may have will be filtered through their own pain and confusion. It may be time to find a good therapist or coach who can guide you without getting triggered by your personal situation.
- Listen to Your Heart
No one can tell you how to pick up the pieces after a major loss or transition. Sure there’s lots of wisdom out there and a multitude of self-help books proclaiming to have the answers, but only you know what’s right for you. Take it slow. Follow the signs and see which doors open and which close. Listen to the inner whispers that point you in a direction and see what feels right. I see clients all the time who want to navigate these difficult times purely with their rational minds and logical thinking. This doesn’t work, I can assure you. You can’t navigate life’s mysteries with your mind alone. It takes some heart and soul to get through these difficult times in a skillful, wise way.
- Take Inspired Action
Once you’ve done some of the above, you will begin to get clear on what to do next. Listen to the inner guidance and see what feels right, what inspires you. Often it may be very different than what your rational mind would have thought. That’s OK. Trust it. This is your spirit and soul speaking and it probably knows what’s best for you. Begin to follow the guidance and see what happens. Take baby steps while you build up your confidence and trust. From chaos and pain, can come wonder and joy. Let it unfold and see where it takes you. A whole new life is waiting on the other side.
Leave a Reply