Are You Suffering from Narcissistic Abuse?

The holidays are a tough time of year for so many people but even more so if your family or close circle of friends includes someone with a personality disorder such as narcissism and you are being subjected to narcissistic abuse.

Abuse comes in many forms. I recently listened to a YouTube video with a woman who had suffered extreme physical, sexual and emotional abuse for 13 years as a child and adolescent. She stated that after years of therapy and recovery work, the emotional abuse was by far the hardest to heal from. I suspect that is because emotional abuse, such as narcissistic abuse, can be less obvious than physical abuse and, thereby, more confusing and insidious.

It is estimated that about 7% of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, (NPD). Yet, I would say approximately 50% of my clients come into therapy due to the emotional pain of being in relationship with either a narcissistic parent, spouse, sibling, co-worker or friend. In all my years of being a therapist, I would say narcissistic abuse is one of the most painful things anyone can experience.

So what is narcissism and narcissistic abuse?

Some basic characteristics of narcissism are a lack of empathy, critical or blaming behavior, the tendency to dismiss the thoughts and feelings of others, a lack of insight into one’s own feelings and actions, no real genuine concern or interest in the wellbeing of others, an inability to provide nurturance and emotional support, a disproportionate need to be the center of attention, the tendency to get angry and blame others if confronted with their behaviors, the tendency to discard relationships and unhealthy interpersonal boundaries.

Narcissists generally are capable of only superficial relationships that are devoid of genuine feelings. They avoid vulnerability and fear real intimacy. Underneath the disorder of narcissism is their own deep pain, low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. They often lacked the emotional support and nurturance as children that they themselves cannot give.

The difference between a narcissist and another wounded soul, is that the narcissist does not think they have a problem. They never show up in my office or another therapist’s office to get help. Yet, the people they hurt are seeking help everywhere. The narcissist is convinced you are the problem, that your complaints are unreasonable and that if you would only fix yourself everything would be OK. This is a form of emotional abuse that is so damaging it can take a lifetime for some to recover.

What I have seen with my clients is that if you had a narcissistic parent, you are much more likely to attract a spouse or romantic partner with this personality make-up and, thereby, re-create the painful drama once again. This is unconscious behavior as the abuse from the narcissist feels so familiar, and is unfortunately associated with feelings of love, that our unconscious mind draws this person in like a magnet. The underlying desire is to achieve mastery over the situation and get the love you were never able to get from the narcissistic parent, but it never works. If you find yourself in this kind of situation, get professional help. It is almost impossible to see it and untangle from these dynamics on one’s own.

So what are you to do if you have a family member or other close relationship with a narcissist and you feel you are being abused?

This depends on who the person is in your life, the level of contact and the form of abuse. A general recommendation is to first recognize the situation for what it is. Get professional help if you cannot discern what is going on. However, make sure your chosen help understands what narcissism is or you will be further damaged. Many mental health professionals are not well educated in how to spot a narcissist and they perpetuate their clients’ feelings of confusion and desperation.

Set boundaries with the narcissist. Limit your contact and what you share with them. Go to others to get your emotional needs met and do not expect the narcissist to express appropriate concern for you. This can be very painful especially when the person is your parent. I have seen clients go into major grief and depression when they finally realize their parent is a narcissist and they will never receive the love they desired or deserved. Sometimes there needs to be a period of no contact with the narcissist so the you can heal enough to resume contact with firmer boundaries and lower expectations.

Find loving support from those who can give it. Join a 12-step program, a spiritual group or church, find your non-biological family of soul-friends, get a pet and reprogram what real love feels like. This takes courage when you have been deeply wounded, but it is so necessary for healing. Find a loving therapist or other professional help. Genuine love is available to us all. You deserve it.

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