Nancy Harris Blog - Psychotherapy and life coaching in Denver

Are You the Family Scapegoat?

Welcome to the world of a dysfunctional family…There always has to be a scapegoat.

The scapegoat is the person who takes the blame for the family problems. This is the person who is generally trying to speak the truth about what they see and feel is wrong within the family system. Unfortunately, instead of the other family members being willing to look at the problems, they often turn against the truth speaker and target them as the primary problem instead.

Needless to say, being cast in the role of the family scapegoat is severely damaging and traumatizing. Not only is your perception of reality denied and dismissed, but the scapegoat may be banished, ostracized and emotionally abused via gaslighting, blame shifting, triangulating and other passive aggressive behaviors. This treatment can lead to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (CPTSD), which includes life-long mental and physical health problems.

Family scapegoats are very common in families with parents with addictions such as alcoholism or with mental health disorders such as narcissism or borderline personally disorder. In these family systems, denial is the order of the day and serves to keep the parent from having to confront their own dysfunctional behavior.

Are You Dealing with a Narcissist?

by Nancy Harris 1 Comment

It is said that narcissism and narcissistic behavior is on the rise. One reason being that social media encourages and rewards self-centered and self-absorbed behavior. Perhaps the word narcissism is over-used now, but the pain of narcissistic abuse is no doubt pervasive and real.

At any one point in time, I would guess at least 50% of my clients are in therapy because of pain from a relationship with a narcissistic person in their lives. Oftentimes, they do not realize they are dealing with a narcissist. They just know they hurt and cannot seem to make any progress or change in this relationship no matter how hard they try.

What is narcissism? It is stated that about 7% of the world’s population has true narcissistic personality disorder. Yet, many more people are on the spectrum with strong features of this disorder. It can take time to uncover this behavior and truly understand what you are dealing with.

There are covert and overt narcissists. I am going to give a brief, general overview. You can find more details elsewhere.

Do You Have the Codependent Blues?

by Nancy Harris 1 Comment

Many, if not all of us, struggle with codependent patterns of behavior without knowing it. I often joke with my clients that the only people I know with no codependency are the ones who have worked on their codependency.

I generally recommend the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, to my clients in the beginning of therapy to get the basic concepts of this problem under their belt right up front. I find this saves so much time in trying to understand and unravel problematic and toxic behavior patterns that often started in childhood.

What is codependency? It shows itself in a multitude of thoughts, feelings and behaviors. In a nutshell, it is an abdication of personal power in the quest to be loved, accepted and approved of by others. While these behaviors may have helped us survive as a child, they hinder our full development as an adult.

As a child, it was a survival mechanism to get one’s needs met often in a home where parents were preoccupied with their own problems and unable to be fully present to the child’s needs. Now you can see why most of us developed these traits. It is difficult, if not impossible, for parents to be fully present and attentive. Yet, some parents take this to an extreme with selfish, self-absorbed, addictive and/or abusive behavior that damages a child for years to come.

Turn Towards the Light

by Nancy Harris Leave a Comment

When I feel like writing something and don’t have a topic, I search for photos that inspire me. This one seemed to have such an obvious message…

Nature is such a great teacher. In these times of extreme change and darkness, we can always do as nature does and turn towards the light.

Darkness is so easy to find these days. All you have to do is look at any headline and you are hit with talk of fear, toxic behavior and impending doom and gloom.

It’s easy to become numb to it and start to lose hope for our future, our planet and life itself. It can start to feel like a constant slog through obstacle after obstacle.

However, I have found that it all depends on where we put our focus. I am reminded of the story of the race car driver who said he never looks at the wall when racing around the track at high speeds. His advice was to only look at where you want to go, not where you don’t want to go—otherwise you increase your likelihood of hitting the wall! Makes sense.

When I work with clients who want to make a big transition, it is natural that their “ego mind” is full of stories about all the things that can go wrong. The ego loves a good drama. It can be comical sometimes. On occasion, I will point out to clients, “Wow, there’s a lot of drama going on there” and we have a good laugh. Seeing the absurdity of the fear-based story can break the trance or spell that this kind of thinking creates.

I’ve been there myself. My common story was that If I made some big change everything would go wrong and I would inevitably end up living as a bag-lady on the street somewhere. Ever run that story? I actually think I have conquered that particular fear, but I remember it well!

How to Maintain an Open Heart During Troubling Times

by Nancy Harris Leave a Comment

Pretty much everyone I speak to is having to confront their deepest fears these days. We are being hit from all sides. The underlying theme in most of these situations is that of loss and grief. There is loss in relationships, jobs, health, finances, familiar social structures and perhaps, worst of all, basic trust and faith in that which we thought was true.

We are being stripped down to face ourselves and our lives in ways that can make us question everything and everyone. We are seeing erratic, irrational, cruel, manipulative and dishonest behavior on the part of authority figures and those who we thought were meant to protect us and keep us safe. Relationships of all kinds–personal and professional– are falling apart and leaving an unexpected void to be filled.

What are we to make of this and how do we move through it without completely, and perhaps permanently, closing our hearts due to the immense sadness and grief?

This is a time of reckoning. A time for deep self-reflection and decision making. We need to ask ourself how we want to proceed.

It can be so easy to shut down to one’s feelings and simply avoid, deny and go numb. There are countless ways to numb out found in our endless electronic devices, mind altering substances–including food and sugar, or any other addiction of choice. If you are going there in your life, it is understandable, but it is not a sustainable choice.

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